The Hidden Cost of Self-Blame

When spiritual seeking meets self-blame, the hidden cost runs deep in those vulnerable to manipulation. People who carry a deep-seated belief that something is wrong with them often view their natural emotional responses as shameful and undeserving. What many don’t realize is that their fear, anxiety, and limited self-image stem from trauma and ancestral conditioning—not personal failings.

Spiritual Seekers and the Perfection Trap

Those seeking spiritual awakening often become vulnerable to exploitation through their pursuit of self-perfection and rejection of their human experience. In their quest for enlightenment, they override crucial instinctual signals and dismiss fundamental needs for safety, understanding, and connection as ‘unspiritual.’ This relentless drive toward flawless detachment transforms natural human vulnerabilities into perceived spiritual failures.

When Safety Signals Are Ignored

When self-preservation and trauma-responses are perceived as personal faults, spiritual seekers become vulnerable to coercion and exploitation—as tragically demonstrated by the NXIVM cult. Its leader, Keith Raniere, sentenced to 120 years imprisonment for racketeering, sex trafficking, and forced labor, manipulated followers into investing massive sums of money while subjecting many to deplorable abuse through systematic intimidation.

I know several people previously involved with NXIVM. The program attracted spiritual seekers motivated by a strong desire for excellence and fellowship. Little did they know that below the surface of the professed path to personal empowerment lay a world of manipulation.

The NXIVM Example

While NXIVM marketed its personal empowerment training as a path to realizing one’s full potential, it was, in reality, a psychologically manipulative system that weaponized self-improvement. The leaders viewed natural trauma responses like fear and anxiety as personal flaws to be conquered, and though many trainers genuinely believed they were helping members overcome limited mindsets, they were actually reinforcing a destructive ideology. This quest for perfection—as old as human history itself—perpetuates the harmful belief that our fundamental nature is flawed and must be fixed

The Generational Wound

Through countless generations, humans have been conditioned to see themselves as fundamentally flawed and unworthy – a mindset that made many vulnerable to exploitation by certain self-help movements. NXIVM exemplified this pattern, preying on people’s deep-seated desires for self-improvement and belonging. By targeting these ingrained feelings of unworthiness, they could pressure members into costly programs while systematically dismantling their autonomy and independent thinking through social coercion and isolation.

Beyond External Development

The pursuit of personal development can often mask a deeper avoidance of our human vulnerabilities, as people seek to transcend rather than embrace their authentic selves. This same pattern of escape and denial made the women of NXIVM’s secret society particularly susceptible to manipulation. Initially, I found myself judging their choices, wondering how they could submit to such treatment—until I confronted my own past. At sixteen, I too had fallen prey to manipulation, when an older drug dealer exploited my teenage yearning for belonging and validation. My three years trapped in that unhealthy relationship, marked by coerced lifestyle choices and sexual acts, revealed how vulnerability and the deep human need for connection can lead anyone down dangerous paths. Rather than casting judgment, my experience taught me that exploitation often preys upon our most fundamental human desires for acceptance and love.

Understanding Manipulation

After a few months, my father, who I hadn’t seen in those three years, came to visit. Hearing that the ex-boyfriend was harassing me, he took it upon himself to tell my ex to leave me alone. I then learned about the power of manipulation. My ex and my father became best friends. Shortly after, my father tried to teach me about forgiveness and convinced me to be nice to the man. My father wouldn’t hear that my ex had been threatening to kill me. To make matters worse, my ex also reached out to my grandmother. He was so convincing, she believed I should forgive him as well. “He’s a good man,” she said. Because of this, I feel profound empathy for the excommunicated members of NXIVM whose family members remain faithful followers.

It was a year after the end of that unhealthy relationship that I realized I had been sexually abused. Why did it take so long? Considering the convoluted messages I received from my family, it’s not a surprise.

Redefining Sexual Abuse

A friend explained to me that sexual abuse is not only assault by a stranger. It’s also when a lover doesn’t listen to your “no” and relentlessly persists. It’s the convincing and chipping away at your sense of self-value. Sexual abuse can look like criticism, being compared to other women, and manipulation. When my friend shared this with me, I didn’t see myself as a victim of abuse. I also didn’t understand how unsupported I was in my family. Or how unsheltered I had felt for so long.

It took yet another year before I grasped what my friend had been trying to tell me. Her words resounded as I sat at the edge of my bed after yet another uncomfortable encounter with a man. He left and I was alone, feeling ashamed and confused. I realized that I didn’t ask him to stop because I was afraid he wouldn’t take “no” for an answer. A feeling all too relatable to women everywhere.

Childhood Echoes

The patterns of trauma often echo through our lives in ways we only later understand. At age seven, I witnessed a sequence of events that would haunt me: walking in on my mother with a man, running away in embarrassment, and making the seemingly strange choice to hide in my room until he left. I emerged to find my mother in a state that no child should ever have to witness—evidence of violence that would shape my understanding of trauma forever.

Through this lens of childhood experience, I now extend deep compassion to the women of NXIVM’s secret society, who entered seeking sisterhood and mentorship but instead found trauma and betrayal. For anyone who recognizes these patterns of abuse in their own life, RAINN’s confidential support line (800-656-4673) offers professional guidance and understanding from trained advocates who can help break these cycles of trauma.

Trauma changes you. Healing is about creating a new version of yourself, the one that is stronger, wiser, and more compassionate.
– Michele Rosenthal

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